The Anxiety Gremlin...

Helloooo
So a little while ago I made a post about my anxiety and it actually felt really good to get it out in the open. Even if only a few read it I felt this relief when I finally uploaded that it was built up inside me anymore. Since then my anxiety has massively subsided and I have had some of the most fabulous few months stress and anxiety free! I'll tell more about it in this post along with how I'm feeling now as I am startng to become more anxious again; not nearly what I was like during my exams but I do feel this little anxiety gremlin creeping in.

For the benefit for anyone that is reading that hasn't read the other post I've had anxious patches for about 2 years now. They come and go, mainly in times of stress it starts to creep in and the BAM! I get REALLY anxious. My anxiety mainly manifests itself with feeling spaced out a lot and worrying... lots and lots of worrying. I worry about my mental health, I worry about my family and friends and worst of all I worry about worrying. Anxiety can you make you think very strange things that you wouldn't normally think when you are calm. These thoughts can be very strange and often very intrusive, and me being me these thoughts become very consuming when I'm anxious hence leading to the worrying.

I now more than ever before can say what makes me anxious. Previously it was extremely hard but now some circumstances really stand out as clear causes for anxiety. I have 3 big ones.
1. When I'm stressed about something- this can be a very immediate stress like a deadline or a more gradual one like exams (when I became SUPER stressed). At the moment I'm quite anxious about moving away to go to university.
2. When I'm not in a routine- I like to be in a routine but I also don't... it's strange I know. I like to have time off from school/uni but then again after a while the novelty almost wears off. I get bored and I'm doing my usual thing which can make me stressed and lead to the third thing.
3. When I'm alone a lot- I noticed at night and when I'm home alone a lot my anxiety tends to creep back. It's as if I'm lonely and the only company I need is this little anxiety gremlin. Being alone with just me and my thoughts allows me to mull things over and let my often very overactive imagination to run free making all of these worries.
Those are the big three that cause anxiety for me but I am gradually getting better and finding ways so that these situations don't happen.

Controlling my anxiety has been a big factor for me. I have learnt to sort of control it and at least now more than ever I can identify it. Previously I couldn't say what was wrong because I didn't know what it was but now I can say it's just anxiety and it'll go away just as it came. I have things that I do that I know tends to help me when I'm feeling anxious. For example for me colouring and drawing are massively beneficial as it draws my focus away from my anxious thoughts and into something else. I also make myself get out and about, whether it be going out with friends or family or even just going for a walk getting out the house and mainly talking to someone can really help even if it's not about how I'm feeling. I also try minimise the big three influence me.For example I've been off for a while now because of the summer holidays and now that the school are back but I'm not I tend to be alone in the house a lot. Trust me the novelty soon wears off. So now I get my mum to leave a list of jobs she wants doing b the time she gets home and that distracts me away from feeling anxious as i know I have something to do. I also like to go down to the local primary school where my mum actually works and volunteer there which has been really helpful in stopping me from becoming anxious again. Previously I would stay at home a lot and just feel sorry for myself which eventually just makes me worse and worse.

At the moment my anxiety is slowly creeping back as I prepare to move away from home to go to university. I know it will go away as soon as the stress is relieved i.e when I move into university but that's the most annoying thing about anxiety,even if you kind of know what's making you anxious it still plays on you no matter how many times you say "You'll be fine stop worrying" there'salways that little gremlin telling you otherwise. But it's ok. I know it's JUST anxiety and it WILL go away because it always does.

Sometimes you just need to tell your anxiety gremlin to fuck off.

Sorry it's a bit of  a long and possibly boring one but I feel this kind of thing not only helps me but can also help others who not only are in a similar situation but also help other people to understand what it can be like for people with anxiety. The best thing we can all do is talk about stuff like this.
Lots of love

July Loves...

Hello!
Haven't been here in a while! I've has a crazy hectic week so far getting ready to go on holiday with my friends so all I've done is write lists and over pack so far. So I thought I'd kick it all back off again with what I've loved during the month of July! I've got a variety of beauty and non beauty favourites so there's hopefully something here that will interest everyone. Enjoy!

BEAUTY

Benefit Gimme Brow- Oh how I have loved this. It's a tinted brow gel with a tiny little wand that you apply through your brows and it gives the most lovely looking full but not sharpied in eyebrows. I was sceptical about all these brow gels because my eyebrows are already.. prominent shall we say, so I was scared a tinted brow gel may look too much, but this is just right to fill any gaps or sparse areas.

Lancome L'Absolu Rouge lipstick- This is a mini lipstick I got in a gift set I got a while back but I only rediscovered this month and have been loving it. It's a sort of burnt pink colour (if that is a colour) with a sort of terracotta undertone to it. It looks lovely on the lips for everyday wear. The only problem is I don't know the colour Lancome have given it but the formula of these are really good so I can recommend any shade from that line.

 Sleek 'A New Day' eye shadow palette- I have used this loads from everyday looks to going out so  this palette can be very versatile. As you can tell I'm not into very vibrant colours so this palette just called to me with it's beautiful selection of nudes and browns. All of the shadows whether they be matte or shimmery are all really well pigmented and blendable plus the mixture of darker and lighter shades means you can mix and match looks.

Benefit cream eye shadow in R.S.V.P- as you can see there a theme amongst my eye shadows. I'm a sucker for a shimmery shadow. This is a gorgeous pink/rose gold shimmer and works lovely just by itself or as part of combination. It is so creamy and long lasting too; can't recommend it enough!

 Benefit blush in 'Sugar bomb'- I have loved this ever since I got it for Christmas! It is split into 4 shades that together create a gorgeous natural looking glow that really compliments so many different skin tones. I know Benefit is quite expensive but personally all of the Benefit products I've featured in my favourites I would probably repurchase, particularly this because I have never found any other blush that looks better!

Hollister Solana Beach Mist- I got this for my birthday earlier in the month and have been obsessed with it every since. It smells SO nice and girly and lasts really well as well. It smells quite fruity but it also has floral hints plus a musk I can't really describe (I'm sorry I'm awful at describing scents!).

NON BEAUTY

Drawing- Ever since I've had more time on my hands finishing college I have had to find something to fill my time. I've always loved drawing and this month in particular I've really got back into it. Some of my favourite things to draw are mandalas. If you don't know what they look like here's an example...

These are so intricate and so fun to draw and when finished they look amazing! 

Harry Potter- Now I could easily put this in every favourites post but July in particular I've been loving reading the novels. I not a keen reader, I always think I'm quite a slow reader but I just can't get enough of the books this month plus in a few weeks time we're all going back to Harry Potter world in London!!! I'M SO BLOODY EXCITED! 

MUSIC

Harrison Brome- Midnight Island 

Vancouver Sleep Clinic- Rebirth

You and I- Lady Gaga

Well there you have it my favourites of the month. Hope you've enjoyed it and maybe get inspired by any of these favourites. 

See you later 

Anxiety is a bitch...

Hellooo

So I know I've been away like ages. Like AGES. To be honest I can't give a good reason why I haven't blogged in such a long time. But hopefully I can get back on track and start blogging more often even if it isn't to a schedule I want to get back to blogging because I enjoyed it and it allowed me to talk about things I don't normally talk about. So to start back instead of going light I'm going hard with this and talking about something that has personally effected me in the past and is still effecting me now; anxiety.

Anxiety affects thousands, millions of us around the world and yet somehow we know so little about it. It's the same with a lot of mental illnesses. They've been around forever and yet we still can't accept them and instead shrowd them in this negative light. I know there is nothing to be ashamed of saying I'm anxious but sometimes it's difficult admitting to a society where there is this underlying stigma. No one should ever be ashamed to admit there is a problem and seek help, getting help and making a change is the first step to recovery and is probably the biggest step.

My first panic attack came at the end of year 11. I became very aware of my own body, basically I became a complete hypochondriac. I got headaches so presumed I had cancer or something silly when really I was only perpetuating my headaches through stressing about them. It was like nothing I had felt before. I had always been a bit of a worrier but this was the next level, my mind would whir and create these horrible thoughts... not fun! But this was went away fairly quickly. I went through tiny phases of thinking something was wrong with me but they went away as quickly as they begun. My anxiety was quite controllable then.

It wasn't until around after I started college and started studying for my A levels did my anxiety escalate. I remember very distinctly waking up one morning and feeling this surge of anxiety and then something changed in me... I started to question EVERYTHING. Nothing felt 'real', I felt like I was in a dream and I became so hyper-vigilant of everything I did or said. Little did I know at the time but I was going through DPDR. DPDR is a common bi-product of prolonged stress and anxiety sufferers (and cannabis users apparently) and stands for de-personalisation/ de-realisation. I can leave a link at the end for anyone reading this who is interested. Basically it's your brains way of coping with the stress by cutting itself off. This coupled with the fact I have a very overactive imagination meant these feelings felt very intense and often VERY frightening. Anyway this freaked me out. A LOT. I would lie in bed for hours questioning myself, asking myself is this real? How am I seeing this? Am I dreaming? I would cry to my parents about this and often they didn't truly understand and put it down to something else or that I was over reacting. This made me feel even more alone as I felt like I wasn't normal, I didn't tell my friends at all and kept it all inside.

But I got better. I first went to see a councillor. My college has its own councillor who is trained to deal with teenagers so seeing her made a huge difference.Just to talk to someone who didn't judge me or profile me was good and her advice helped me start recovering. I only truly began to recover after my exams were over (relieving the initial stress that had triggered it), I simply coped with it while I was revising and doing my exams,I had good days where I felt very grounded and focused and others where I felt very spaced out and anxious. It would effect everything my perception of time, my memories... it was not a nice time. But after my exams passed I eventually went back to normal I had brief moments of feeling spaced out when I started to feel anxious but they went away very quickly. After about 2 months after my last exam I was basically back to normal and enjoying life to the fullest.

That was until around March this year when in preparation my for my A level exams my DPDR returned with a vengeance. It has felt more intense this time around (probably due to the added pressure this year brings) which made it all the more scary.Although I knew what it was it didn't seem to make it any less scary or familiar which is probably the most annoying thing about anxiety and DPDR- no matter how many times it seems to happen it often doesn't make it any less scary. Soon it was like being back at square 1 where I had been a year ago. Constantly overthinking things and questioning my reality and existence. I would trawl the internet looking for blogs and a diagnosis for myself which only perpetuated these feelings. I realise that now. Also on top of everything this year through no ones fault I've had additional stresses that I have obsessed and worried about (I won't go into them as they do not concern me directly and they don't deserve to splashed out on the internet). I honestly thought for awhile I was going crazy. In fact fora long while I thought I was going crazy. But I realise now that those thoughts were completely normal for someone with anxiety and DPDR and most importantly- I wasn't going mad! I am recovering, slowly but surely and maybe I'll do updates with how I'm doing and what I've done to calm myself down and minimise my DPDR. Who knows? Maybe it'll help someone out there!

Anyway I hope to make this blog thing a more regular occurrence rather than one annual post. Just a little tip of the day.... Enjoy every second of life because it IS worth living.
Lots of love