So I know I've been away like ages. Like AGES. To be honest I can't give a good reason why I haven't blogged in such a long time. But hopefully I can get back on track and start blogging more often even if it isn't to a schedule I want to get back to blogging because I enjoyed it and it allowed me to talk about things I don't normally talk about. So to start back instead of going light I'm going hard with this and talking about something that has personally effected me in the past and is still effecting me now; anxiety.
Anxiety affects thousands, millions of us around the world and yet somehow we know so little about it. It's the same with a lot of mental illnesses. They've been around forever and yet we still can't accept them and instead shrowd them in this negative light. I know there is nothing to be ashamed of saying I'm anxious but sometimes it's difficult admitting to a society where there is this underlying stigma. No one should ever be ashamed to admit there is a problem and seek help, getting help and making a change is the first step to recovery and is probably the biggest step.
My first panic attack came at the end of year 11. I became very aware of my own body, basically I became a complete hypochondriac. I got headaches so presumed I had cancer or something silly when really I was only perpetuating my headaches through stressing about them. It was like nothing I had felt before. I had always been a bit of a worrier but this was the next level, my mind would whir and create these horrible thoughts... not fun! But this was went away fairly quickly. I went through tiny phases of thinking something was wrong with me but they went away as quickly as they begun. My anxiety was quite controllable then.
It wasn't until around after I started college and started studying for my A levels did my anxiety escalate. I remember very distinctly waking up one morning and feeling this surge of anxiety and then something changed in me... I started to question EVERYTHING. Nothing felt 'real', I felt like I was in a dream and I became so hyper-vigilant of everything I did or said. Little did I know at the time but I was going through DPDR. DPDR is a common bi-product of prolonged stress and anxiety sufferers (and cannabis users apparently) and stands for de-personalisation/ de-realisation. I can leave a link at the end for anyone reading this who is interested. Basically it's your brains way of coping with the stress by cutting itself off. This coupled with the fact I have a very overactive imagination meant these feelings felt very intense and often VERY frightening. Anyway this freaked me out. A LOT. I would lie in bed for hours questioning myself, asking myself is this real? How am I seeing this? Am I dreaming? I would cry to my parents about this and often they didn't truly understand and put it down to something else or that I was over reacting. This made me feel even more alone as I felt like I wasn't normal, I didn't tell my friends at all and kept it all inside.
But I got better. I first went to see a councillor. My college has its own councillor who is trained to deal with teenagers so seeing her made a huge difference.Just to talk to someone who didn't judge me or profile me was good and her advice helped me start recovering. I only truly began to recover after my exams were over (relieving the initial stress that had triggered it), I simply coped with it while I was revising and doing my exams,I had good days where I felt very grounded and focused and others where I felt very spaced out and anxious. It would effect everything my perception of time, my memories... it was not a nice time. But after my exams passed I eventually went back to normal I had brief moments of feeling spaced out when I started to feel anxious but they went away very quickly. After about 2 months after my last exam I was basically back to normal and enjoying life to the fullest.
That was until around March this year when in preparation my for my A level exams my DPDR returned with a vengeance. It has felt more intense this time around (probably due to the added pressure this year brings) which made it all the more scary.Although I knew what it was it didn't seem to make it any less scary or familiar which is probably the most annoying thing about anxiety and DPDR- no matter how many times it seems to happen it often doesn't make it any less scary. Soon it was like being back at square 1 where I had been a year ago. Constantly overthinking things and questioning my reality and existence. I would trawl the internet looking for blogs and a diagnosis for myself which only perpetuated these feelings. I realise that now. Also on top of everything this year through no ones fault I've had additional stresses that I have obsessed and worried about (I won't go into them as they do not concern me directly and they don't deserve to splashed out on the internet). I honestly thought for awhile I was going crazy. In fact fora long while I thought I was going crazy. But I realise now that those thoughts were completely normal for someone with anxiety and DPDR and most importantly- I wasn't going mad! I am recovering, slowly but surely and maybe I'll do updates with how I'm doing and what I've done to calm myself down and minimise my DPDR. Who knows? Maybe it'll help someone out there!
Anyway I hope to make this blog thing a more regular occurrence rather than one annual post. Just a little tip of the day.... Enjoy every second of life because it IS worth living.
Lots of love
